


Building up a future

by milky_way_born



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Desperation, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Meaning of Life, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, mShenko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6701881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two old soldiers, getting used to their new all-day life.<br/>For both it's not easy leaving the reaper war behind.</p><p>Chapters 1 - 4 are mainly fluff,<br/>Chapter 5 contains angst and violence, but it will all turn out well,<br/>Chapter 6 and up mainly fluff again. ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunbeams

Most nights are still hard for Shepard. Surviving the Reaper war was only half the battle; starting to live an ordinary life has been much harder than he expected.  
The dreams which haunt him are as dark as midnight’s sky. He often gets up to distract himself with doing some simple work to stop his exhausted mind from struggling with somber memories.  


He steps out of the front door at the end of another sleepless night. The ruins of Vancouver surrounding their house get illuminated by the bright light of the morning sun. He has to blink a few times to adjust his tired eyes. The crisp morning air feels damp against his skin.  


Then suddenly he notices it: a little bird sitting on top of the debris which used to be the house on the left. He blinks again to focus it in the bright light. It chitters happily, sitting there enjoying the warm beams of the dawning sun. It does not care about the war that wiped out a huge amount of mankind. It does not know it is sitting on a symbol of the mass destruction that hit Earth.  
It’s so very alive and pure, real and genuine that it makes his heart ache.  


The human race will fix all this. They will build their world anew. They will come through. They will adapt. They always do. There’s always hope and there’s always light.  
Words of hope which he shared with his crew members often enough to keep them inspired but he doubted them far too often. Seldom had he felt their meaning like he does right now.  


He feels a warm hint of breath at the side of his neck. Closing his eyes, he leans back as strong arms embracing him from behind. He still hears the bird chirping as he whispers softly: “Kaidan. I’d never have managed to get through all of this without you. And I never imagined how much I still need your support, even now that the war is over. There’s so much to cope with. We're old soldiers. I never learned how to deal with peace.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reworked and improved with the help of my awesome beta **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) - thanks a lot for your spending your time on my work! :)


	2. Sunset

“Oh, it’s gotten even colder!”

“That’s why I told you to put on that old jacket of mine. You’re just not used to walking on Earth without your armor and lots of adrenaline rushing through your body!” Kaidan replies amused.

 

Shepard shivers and speeds up his pace. He always walks fast, even when he seems relaxed. He has spent so much of his life pursuing targets, habit keeps him from simply strolling along. Luckily, Kaidan has no problem keeping up with him, smiling.  
For Kaidan walking along English Bay always feels like home as nothing else, in the best and the worst way. It hurts him to see his beloved city in ruins, but he has an equally strong feeling of having at last returned to where he belongs.

 

They finally pause their walk when Kaidan decides he found the right place for experiencing “sunset over English Bay”. The sun has still quite some way to go until sinking down behind the opposite shore, but twilight had notably begun to set in.

“The light looks so much different here. And it gets dark so early!” Shepard says with disbelief gazing to the horizon. “The colors of the light are so different.”

“Have you really never visited Earth except the few occasions with the Alliance? Never for civilian reasons?”

“I’m part of the first generation completely raised on a star ship. I grew up only knowing artificial lights. My family and I visited Earth a few times, mainly to see my mother’s sister. I never made friends with her children; they seemed strange to me. And after joining the Alliance at age eighteen, I never went there again. Does it seem weird to you, how foreign this all is to me?”

 

Kaidan takes Shepard’s hand to make sure he’ll always support his man. He’d never thought about such things before, but he tries his best to empathize how it might feel for Shepard. “But they are simulating the spectral changes during the day on the space ships. Wasn’t that common when you were young?” he asks.

“Of course it was. You need changing spectral ranges to keep your natural bio rhythm in track, but nevertheless it looks quite different than natural sunlight. And it never changes from day to day.”

 

“Wait until sunset and you will be amazed about the colors to come!” Kaidan says with a warm smile in his voice, puts an arm around Shepard’s waist and pulling him close. A big grin turns up on his face. Two men at their thirties standing at the bay enjoying the sunset like teenage lovers. He never felt so sappy and he never felt so deeply content ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also reworked with the support of my awesome beta **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)).  
>  I hope, you like it! :)


	3. After Sunset

Kaidan still loves watching John, especially when he’s unaware of Kaidan’s gaze on him. Now that the war is over, the worry lines in his forehead are gradually smoothing away and laugh lines beginning to develop in their place, so much more relaxed and casual. And yet, he is still so typically ‘Shepard’. Sitting together, watching the sunset, both of them wearing civvies - a glimpse of the everyday life to come. For both of them. Together.

It gets darker and darker; he can barely see more than John’s silhouette against the deepening sky.

 

They have sat down on the gravel at the bank. Shepard still looks cold and so Kaidan wraps his arms around him. Encouraged by the warmth of the strong body in his arms and the seducing scent of his man, Kaidan’s hand finds its way through the layers of clothing, touching warm skin underneath. Shepard freezes against his touch. “Hey, handsome,” he murmured, “Now's not exactly the right moment for making out. Way too cold to get me out of my clothes.”

“I’ll heat you up!” Kaidan growls in John’s ear before passionately pulling him in for a kiss.

 

Shepard surprises Kaidan by pushing his arms away harshly and rising up in a fluid motion. “Not here, Kaidan. And not now!” His voice is still low but forceful. No sweet talking anymore. He turns around and starts to walk away.

Kaidan needs a second to come to terms with Shepard’s unexpected reaction. He gets up and needs to quicken his paces to catch up with John again. “Hey, what was that?” he asks, bewildered. He lets his hand touch Shepard’s casually, but the other man does not take it.

“Kaidan. It’s just inappropriate. Look around. This city lies in ruins. Nearly all inhabitants are missing or dead. Please remember that this is the true reason why we can sit down and start messing around without anybody coming along. I assume this nice vespertine view has always been an attraction for the inhabitants and tourists of Vancouver. And now? There are barely people left. And those who survived and stayed? They have far bigger problems now.” Having started with a scowl on his face, his features have now grown grieved and dark. “Let’s not take advantage of this situation.” He adds with a sad but warm smile, softening his harsh words.

They go home in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reworked and improved with the help of **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) - thanks a lot for your detailed explainations! :)


	4. Bliss

“Hey love, had a rough day?” Shepard asks, welcoming Kaidan at the door with a smirk, “I’ve been waiting for you. Let me help you relax!”

 

Kaidan has indeed had a rough day. He'd spent all day assisting the coordination of a project for rebuilding the communication infrastructure between Canada and the US. He had never been keen on only using his bilingual skills while letting his biotics go to waste. But he had sworn to support the Alliance in any way he could. So he welcomes John's offer to distract him.

 

Kaidan soon finds himself dragged down onto the bed, the younger man on top of him. John breezes softly in his ear, licking and nibbling the side of his neck. Kaidan can't help but moan. And he can't deny that in the time they'd been together his partner has learned exactly what to do to get him going!

Without warning John bites a little too hard and jumps off the bed with a mischievous grin. Kaidan rubs the sore spot on his neck and watches John bewildered.

 

He doesn’t have much time to wonder what caused the strange behavior before he gets attacked once again. John lunges at him, throws him back on the mattress and rolls over, wrapping his legs around his body with a fierce yet undeniably sexy look in his eyes. Encouraged by being on top, Kaidan tries to take control of the situation and to turn things more serious. Pinning the man beneath him as he lowers his face to John’s, feeling his warm breath against his lips, and starts kissing him slowly and deeply. He closes his eyes, running his tongue across the other man’s lips. He loves the taste of him!

It doesn’t take long until Shepard breaks the kiss and starts to tussle again, rolling over and landing on Kaidan’s lap with the proud look of having won a wrestling match. Only moments later he lets himself fall to the side to lay right beside Kaidan laughing.

The whole play has the effect of getting Kaidan more and more aroused and impatient at the same time. “John?” He growls with a tense grin, “I’m fucking hot for you! Please get serious and get to the point!”

 

He watches the other man lying flat on his back, fully relaxed, with a genuine blissful grin on his face. He doesn’t remember ever seen John like this before.

 

“Kaidan,” Shepard says slowly, gazing to the ceiling, eyes nearly shut. “You know I think you feel amazing when you take me. I really enjoy it, every time. It's just... I’m starting to realize: We’ve got all the time in the world! When we’re together now, I’m quite sure it won’t be our last time. That’s an entirely new feeling. And it’s fucking great!” John sits up and grips the hem of his shirt. In one swift motion, he pulls it up over his head and tosses it to the floor, knowingly giving Kaidan an irresistible sight on his bare abs. His gaze fills with lust, a smirk on his lips. “Okay, handsome, let’s ‘get to the point’!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reworked and improved with the help of **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) - thanks for your help, again!


	5. Changes

Sometimes little glimpses in time have unexpectedly big consequences. And sometimes benign decisions lead to unforeseeable incidents.

First, it seemed like an excellent idea when Kaidan managed to get them two motorcycles. He found them in a wrecked garage accessible from a hidden courtyard. He didn't find them by chance; the man who lived in the now abandoned house next to the courtyard and who used to deal with old electric motorcycles had been an old friend of his. He for sure wouldn't mind if Kaidan borrowed two of his vehicles.  
Kaidan had learned to ride motorcycles when he was younger and it made him proud to teach John how to drive his. They had some amazing cruises around Vancouver and the surrounding area and enjoyed their newly gained independency. At least Kaidan had a strong feeling of freedom and adventure.

 

While Kaidan stays totally occupied by supporting and coordinating reconstruction projects and therefore dealing with a completely new kind of stress, he notices with concern that John has grown more and more quiet, dark and depressed. And recently he often caught him drinking. Kaidan has finally decided to call Hackett to report that John seems to have recovered enough and could be entrusted again with some kind of Alliance duty when he gets an unexpected call by Hackett himself.

 

As he comes home that evening he finds his partner in a miserable condition. Shepard sits at the kitchen table behind a half emptied bottle of liquor. His head resting on the table with his face hidden inside his elbow. The look gets Kaidan teary and desperate in an instant, making his heart hurt and his stomach clench.

"John, Admiral Hackett called me today. He asked about you." He gives Shepard some time to answer but notices no reaction.

"He is worried about you. And so am I. He asked me what's going on." The erratic movement of John’s upper back indicates heavy and unsteady breathing, but he still doesn't look up.  
Kaidan feels his anger raising. Or it might be despair, he can’t tell. He puts his hands on the table opposite of Shepard and leans forward.

"John! This is serious! Hackett told me you knocked down a pedestrian with your motorcycle the day before yesterday. How could this happen? And why the hell haven't you told me?"

He forces himself to take a deep breath for calming down and letting some hurtful seconds pass.

"Shepard! What's wrong with you? I can't help you if you don't talk to me!" Kaidan feels more and more desperate, angry and helpless. How could he not have noticed earlier how serious John needs some other kind of support than just his love?

 

Kaidan is about to take a seat across from John, but halts when Shepard rises up so fast he throws back his chair.

"Alenko, shut up! I'm the first human Spectre and I don't need anybody to tell me what to do or not to do! And I don't need to explain myself to you!" Shepard focuses on him, a furious gaze in his eyes, spitting out the words. Due to the alcohol he is not as stable at his feet as he might think.

John steps around the table and stands up right in front of Kaidan. His eyes narrow with a fierce gaze as he raises his fist about to punch Kaidan right in the face.

 

Maybe it would have been enough if Kaidan just caught his wrist to stop the stroke of this drunken and tired man, but years of intensive biotic reflex training can't be denied that easily. He works a full biotic push on the worn out body in front of him.

John is thrown back onto the wall. Kaidan hears the cracking of bones and joints, then Shepard's body slides down to the floor. Kaidan freezes, unable to move. He feels the shock turn his limbs cold and numb instantly. What has he done? How could it all turn out like this? His heart drops. His stomach threatens to vomit. His eyes fill with tears as he sits down at Shepard's side, cradling him, kissing his forehead and starting an emergency call with his omni tool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reworked and improved with the help of **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) - you're great!! :)


	6. Confession

Kaidan needed some time to cope with what had happened. He knew that Shepard had been brought to an Alliance hospital and surely had been treated in the best possible way, as always. Highly skilled doctors would likely compete for the honor to examine and medicate the famous Commander Shepard.

Three days pass until he plucks up courage to visit him.

 

Standing in front of the door of Shepard’s room Kaidan hesitates. Shepard will understand why he didn’t come to visit him earlier. But how will he react? Kaidan was the one who brought him here. And Shepard had spent far enough time in hospitals during the last years. He opens the door carefully and quietly.

As he walks in, the first thing he notices is the familiar smell of Shepard. And the sound of him breathing. Oh, how much he missed both! There he is, lying in the white linen, eyes shut. Kaidan steps over and takes a seat at the side of his bed. He waits a moment, sitting there silently and watching Shepard, then he reaches over and takes his hand.

Shepard slowly opens his eyes. His features soften as he notices Kaidan.

“There you are. At last”, he says warmly and locks his gaze with Kaidan’s. There’s no criticism in his voice, just happiness and a little amusement. Of course he understands.

“How are you?” Kaidan asks with a wary smile.

“Feeling sick”, John lets out a dry laugh and continues unimpressed, “I have a spinal trauma. Need to take a rest. But I will be fine again soon.”

“Sure?”

“Of course.”

Kaidan bites his lower lip as he states: “I’d never thought it would turn out like this. In every way. I think we’d better change some things.”

Shepard nods in agreement.

After a little time, Shepard starts the conversation again: “Kaidan, Admiral Hackett talked to me yesterday. He’d like to have me as a trainer.”

“Why are you hesitating? You are a great soldier and an extraordinary leader. You know, I chose voluntarily to serve under your command when I joined the Normandy again.” Kaidan says honestly.

Shepard continues low with a sad tone in his voice: “I’ve always enjoyed being a soldier and a commanding officer. I’ve always been both of it wholeheartedly. But I’m not sure if I can do that anymore”, he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, “I know I can cope with a high level of stress. And I function if I must. I’ve always done. But now that the tension has relieved, it sometimes feels like it might have been too much.”

Kaidan has never heard Shepard talking about his feelings openly like this. It touches him deeply and it hurts him more than anything else that he injured the man who trusts him so entirely to tell him his secrets. He squeezes John’s hand tighter and stroke it gently with his thumb.

Shepard turns his head again to look Kaidan right in the eyes. He swallows dryly, then starts over with a raspy voice: “When I hit the pedestrian – I had been sober that morning”, he closes his eyes for a short moment, swallows again and looks away.

Kaidan waits for Shepard to find the right words and after a short while John continues slowly: “It was a bright morning. Nothing special. But then I heard a sound. A deep humming, like a Reaper? I still can’t tell. I bet it was something quite unremarkable. But I froze instantly. I went numb and cold from head to toe. Everything seemed to happen around me as if I’d been far away and not part of the scenery anymore.” He stops like he’d go on explaining, but does not proceed.

Kaidan doesn’t know how to react to this confession. He has experienced himself that not all injuries could be healed by medigel. And he knows there are skilled psychologists working for the Alliance, but it seems trivial to him to mention it right now. He’d be for sure not the first one to mention that. Shepard surely knows that possibility for himself. He knows how rarely the younger soldier talks about his feelings. Opening up like that to him does not mean he would also talk to any other person about his experiences. So for the moment he just remains silent and holds John’s hand.

“John? Do you still trust me?”

“I trust you with my life. I always have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reworked and improved with the help of **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) - thanks once again for your patience! :)


	7. Meaningless

Kaidan takes a deep breath to inhale the cold air flowing in through the open window. He sits at his desk since morning to complete another report tracking his work on a project near Vancouver and meanwhile it’s about noon and he is still far from finishing. The reconstruction of the main radio towers of the North American continent takes much longer than expected. At the very beginning they had problems locating the very few remaining mechanics. Sorting out the capable ones and convincing them to work for the Alliance had been easy compared to the logistical challenges that followed. Setting up anything high-tech on a nearly completely destroyed planet tests the limits of everyone involved over and over again.

Writing the report feels nearly as exhausting as his everyday work. It doesn't help either that his mind continuously keeps bringing up another topic: John.

He misses him badly. He misses his support and his overall presence. How can such a joyful feeling as love make a grown up man feel so weak and dependent? Moreover, he feels painfully guilty for John’s absence. He sighs one more time, squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and tries to focus on his work again.

 

His omni tool makes a crackling sound, then he hears the familiar sound of an incoming message: _Major, please meet me in my office. Hackett_

The distraction makes Kaidan feel relieved.

 

Kaidan finds Hackett gazing out of the office’s window. As the older man turns to him, the Spectre salutes: “Admiral…”

“At ease, Major”, amused features surround Hackett’s eyes, as if he hadn't expected such formalities. He walks over and sits down at his desk. “Please take a seat.” He points to the chair vis-à-vis to his own and Kaidan does as told.

 

Hackett doesn’t waste any more time exchanging pleasantries. He gets to the point right away: “Major, at first I’d like you to know that the man Shepard knocked down is still in the hospital, but no longer in critical condition. We obtained the information about this incident from some passers-by who identified Shepard. The victim got paid compensation by the Alliance before things could get out of hand. We don’t need any suspect stories passing around about one of our best men.”

Kaidan could only nod slowly as a reply. The tone of Hackett’s voice and the matching expression on his face leads this topic unmistakably to an end.

_No longer in a critical condition?_ That comment sends shivers down Kaidan’s spine. Of course he had secretly considered the worst, but it makes it more real actually hearing how badly the man had been hurt.

 

Hackett proceeds after a short moment, not awaiting any further reaction from Kaidan. His voice getting more casual: “Major, in private, I’m really worried about Shepard. He’s a good man. And a great soldier. Before this incident happened, I was planning to entrust him with Alliance duty again. To be precise, I believe he would be the right one to encourage our recruits. Remember, he’s a living legend!

But now polite chit-chat is all I get from him as a reply on my messages and even when I visited him, he avoided giving me a straight answer.

You know me, I’ll give him any time he needs - he deserves it more than anybody else - but I’m afraid, time alone does him no good. He needs to be busy and feel needed again. Doesn’t he?

You know him. You are closer to him than anybody else. What do you think?”

 

Kaidan does not answer right away. Shepard had always been a hard worker. Born as a spacer on an Alliance ship and joining the forces to become a soldier as a growing adult, he had a linear carrier predestined from the very beginning and fulfilled it in the best way possible. What does John have to live for now? The awareness hits Kaidan right into his stomach and the sudden emptiness of meaning makes his heart hurt.

 

“To be honest, I can’t tell, Sir. And, yes, I thought I knew him”, he finally says bleakly.

_I only knew you in very different circumstances. In the most extraordinary circumstances possible, to be precise. I think, I’ll need to get to know you anew, John,_ he adds in his mind.

 

Hackett: “Major, one last thing before you leave: I don’t want to get into detail about the incident that happened between the two of you. I need my subordinates in their best condition and so I cannot tolerate them beating each other up. I’m not keen on reminding you about that at any time again. You are dismissed for now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey! A new chapter - at last! :)  
> I have to admit, things are not yet getting better for the boys, but they will. Soon. I promise!
> 
> And again I'd like to mention my ingenious proof-readers **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster))!


	8. Mess Hall Meetings

“Couldn’t Hackett find anybody else for filing and tagging these fucking technical drawings? And that shit he handed over to me the day before yesterday: reworking lousy reports. Really? I’m an elite soldier and no fucking daft typist!” Shepard is swearing along. There have been many occasions like that during the last week.

John still walks a bit unsteadily due to some remnants of internal bruises, but overall the doctors consider him healthy again. Hackett has not yet resumed asking him about taking on armed forces training; it seems like he started applying a different strategy and tries to keep him busy with low level work. Kaidan more and more doubts if that’s the right way.

 

He steps behind the younger man, resting his hands on Shepard’s shoulders.

“Hey Commander”, the biotic says low with a warm smile, making his voice sound as soft and cozy as possible, “maybe it’s time to take a break. What about your model ships? Haven’t seen you working on them for quite some time. Maybe we can start a new one together?”

“Do what you like – I don’t wanna.”

“What about going for a walk?”

Shepard shoots him a dark look. “Kaidan, I don’t need anyone to keep me busy with stupid things. Not even you.” Shepard replies shortly, cutting off the conversation.

Kaidan startles and can’t help but wonder if Shepard can even imagine how such harsh reactions leave him feeling hurt. And he still fails sorting out if Shepard does that on purpose or if it’s just a lack of empathy.

 

Meanwhile, Shepard opens up his omni tool and lets his fingers quickly slide over the invisible surface. Nearly at the same time Kaidan notices the sound of an incoming message from his own communication device.

“I received a message from Vega a few days ago. I forwarded it to you. Read it.” Shepard says without looking up.

 

_Hey Loco,_

_As you might know, I started attending N-school – or what’s left of it. It’s a big thing for me. Always dreamt of it and now it’s actually happening._

_I’ll come over to the North American Alliance base. Are you still staying there?_

_Arriving next Thursday, staying for two or three days. Wanna meet me at the mess hall that day? For dinner? I’ll be there at 6.30._

_See you!_

_James_

 

“That’s today! Why haven’t you told me?” Kaidan says with disbelief after finishing the read and double-checking the original timestamp. As far as he knows, John and James had always been quite close.

“I didn’t want to make you jealous about me getting invitations to meet buffed young soldiers for dinner,” Shepard replies with an evil smirk.

“You bastard!” Kaidan grins, feeling genuinely relieved to see Shepard making fun again.  
Isn't the possibility of seeing James again a big enough reason to face the mess hall? Kaidan adds mentally.

 

Vega has recovered visibly. He looks content and relaxed, totally at one with the world - and altogether refreshingly alive. His face shows pure excitement when he starts to tell about his N-training.

Kaidan hasn’t seen him for months and for him the sight of the younger soldier is still uncomfortably linked to the memory of the two of them supporting Shepard in their final mission. The beam run. Getting evacuated. The fear of losing Shepard - again. No. Focusing on the happy face of the lieutenant helps him to stop that line of thoughts before he gets carried away. Time to overwrite that remembrance with something nicer.

 

“I’m not sure what your N1 level training covered, Loco, but first of all I've learned to lay bricks!” James banters amused. “I can imagine, yours might have followed the textbook way more than mine. But it’s fun anyway,” he takes a large bite from his sandwich and continues while chewing visibly: “Wow! You guys have much better food over here! - There are three of us new recruits, same level, right? And one complains all the time. I mean, I just don't get it... he should be glad to be there and giving his all to help rebuild the school!”

Kaidan starts smiling subconsciously. James’ enthusiastic description of everyday trials and tribulations really fascinates him. He looks over to Shepard and notices gladly that his man also seems to enjoy himself. The two of them have had enough time to finish their meals while listening to James’ report.

“Unfortunately, we only have one instructor. The man knows his stuff and he’s doing his best to qualify us, but he's just too busy to get us through all requirements of the N1 level. Especially under these circumstances. Destruction everywhere,” he continues, still chewing on the last bits of his meal.

John's features tense. Just little twitches at the edges of his mouth and eyes, although enough for Kaidan to notice out of the corner of his eye.

“It’s said that the N-school sent an inquiry to the Alliance, if you, Commander, are available for giving us lessons every now and then? I've never heard if there had been a reply from anybody. Did you receive that request, Commander?”

“Is that your only reason for coming here, lieutenant?” Shepard spits out harshly and quite reserved he adds, “Please rely on the official communication channels when it comes to official requests. I wish you all the best for your further education. I've got a lot of work to do, so please excuse me. Lieutenant…” He stands up quickly and stiffly, prepared for a semi-official goodbye.

James hurries to get himself up, nearly stumbling over his chair, and saluting as soon as he is standing halfway solidly again: “Commander! Thanks a lot for your time.”

Shepard starts heading for the door taking big strides, leaving the N-recruit stunned behind. Kaidan has problems keeping up with Shepard after taking leave on James himself.

 

Kaidan still is a few steps behind when they pass the mess hall door. Barely outside, he notices a familiar face in the corridor: A young woman surrounded by seven little children. She smiles back at him.

Suddenly a little boy jumps out from the jabbering group and rushes over to Kaidan: “Major Alenko! Major Alenko! Do you remember me? I’m a biotic, too, like you are. When I’m older, I’ll become a sentinel, just like you!” His eyes beaming, his face glowing in admiration, he keeps jumping up and down in front of Kaidan as if he’s desperately trying to fight back the urge to climb the grown-up biotic. He has dark brown hair and shiny green eyes.

Kaidan bends down to face the little boy. “Hey little one. I bet, you’ll be an honorable biotic soldier one day. I’d be proud to have you in my unit when you’re older,” Kaidan says smiling, a hand resting on the kid’s shoulder. The Major salutes playfully and winks as he rises.

The little boy can’t help but grin happily. Apparently meeting his idol totally made his day.

The young woman looks obviously torn between enjoying the eruption of pure enthusiasm in front of her and the responsibility to call back the little man and saving a high ranking Alliance soldier from being hassled.

Eventually she gives Kaidan an apologetic smile and says: “Sorry, Major, you know, he’s always so overjoyed meeting you. Hard to hold back.”

“It’s alright, Celia. You don’t need to. Have a nice day!” Kaidan replies, smiling back at her.

After a short casual goodbye, the woman leaves to lead the kids into the mess hall. The little biotic has problems sticking to the group, he stumbles and runs into his mates, since he couldn’t take his eyes off the sentinel while walking away from him.

Kaidan steps over to Shepard, who has watched the whole scene spellbound.

“Seems like you are no longer the only one having enthusiastic fans, Commander,” the older soldier says amused.

 

Shepard’s gaze still rests on the mess hall entrance, even though the woman and the kids are no longer visible for him.

“Who was that? Where do you know her from?” he asks as they start walking over to their quarters again.

“Good looking woman, isn’t she?” Kaidan replies teasingly with a smirk, “You’d know her, too, if you’d join me visiting the mess hall more often. Her name is Celia and the kids are orphans. They spend the nights in the orphanage and Celia is one of the volunteers taking care of them during the daytime. The Alliance permitted them to take one meal per day in the mess hall. For free.

“Wow, did you notice how tired and over-worked she looked? The kids seem to keep her incredibly busy. Not an easy job. I wouldn’t like to be in her shoes, to be honest.”

Shepard listens to Kaidan’s explanations and remains remarkably quiet. Not only until they reached their quarters, but for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, it took some time, but here it is: Chapter no. 8!  
>   
> Again finished with the invaluable help of my proof-readers **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)). If you haven't, give their works a try. You won't regret it! :)


	9. Nocturnal Thoughts

Kaidan lies on his side, curled up for sleeping, his back casually touching Shepard’s body. He enjoys the quiet of the room and focuses on their breathing; a sound which normally lulls him into a drowsy state, ready for sleep.

He feels that Shepard is not that calm. He senses the sleeplessness behind himself, even if John doesn’t actually fidget or make any sound. It feels like he radiates tension and the suppressed urge to move.

Without watching, he knows his man is lying flat on his back, gazing up into the darkness. He has seen him like that so many times before.

As he feels certain he won’t find rest like that, he rolls over. It keeps him from sleeping anyway, so why not face the source of distraction.

“Hey John, what’s up? What keeps you from snoozing?” he asks in a sleepy voice, snuggling alongside Shepard’s body, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder, laying his arm heavily across his torso.

 

It takes a moment until Shepard starts speaking, his voice sounding wide awake, bitter and deeply moved: “Kaidan. I didn't manage to save the Quarians. And later I erased the Geth as well. I played God for both races. How can I ever live with this guilt?”

Kaidan realizes that this is the beginning of a deep conversation, so he forces his mind to clear up as much as possible before answering. He doesn’t want to reply with trite phrases, just to get back to sleep. He has pledged always to be there for Shepard when he needs him, even if it is not always the most convenient thing to do.

“John, you sacrificed your own happiness and your innocence for uncountable lives. The Reapers attacked us. It has been their war. They’re responsible for the losses, not you. You’re responsible for every single soul you saved. Never forget that.” Kaidan feels Shepard’s tense muscles under his caressing fingers.

“Anyway, I'm responsible for my decisions,” Shepard says through clenched teeth.

“You did a great job. Somebody had to do it. Somebody had to make those decisions. The responsibility fell to you. Nobody would’ve done it better than you. Maybe nobody would’ve done it at all. And then we all would be dead by now. Shepard, you saved a whole generation! What more could one achieve?”

Shepard takes some time just breathing deeply and watching the ceiling.

“Kaidan. I can’t get those kids out of my mind. They lost everything – their family, their homes, their friends, the future they might have hoped for – their entire world! But I see it clearly now: they are the ones I fought this war for. They are the ones worth every risk I took. They are the future of our planet. The future of our entire galaxy.”

Despite any better idea, Kaidan decides for concrete concepts. “Maybe you can visit Celia in the orphanage one day? I bet they always need help!” he suggests matter-of-factly.

Kaidan notices with relief that Shepard starts calming down. He closes his eyes and soon falls into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My two brilliant proof-readers **humblydefiant** ([tumblr](http://humblydefiant.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant)) and **potionsmaster** ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) - please feel warmly embraced from afar! ;)


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